“Becoming is better than Being.”
“We like to think of our champions and idols as superheroes who were born different from us. We don’t like to think of them as relatively ordinary people who made themselves extraordinary.”
~ Carol Dweck, author of ‘mindset’
Two weeks ago I visited a couple of our friends and a lot of infants in Colorado. I got to see firsthand how infants/toddlers learn and how they use their curiosity to circumnavigate their ‘new’ world.
Why am I sending this newsletter to you? Because my girlfriend Abby brought up the book ‘mindset’ which takes a deep dive into the Fixed vs./and Growth mindset! I was hooked after reading the first page!
The book is loaded with examples from around the globe of professionals, scientists, super stars in all categories, and simple examples where kids are being tested if they operate with a fixed or growth mindset.
Now ask yourself this, if you have a challenge in front of you, do you ask yourself, “Can I do this?” or do you ask yourself, “How can I do this?”
If you answered “How” in the above question, you are living in a growth mindset. If you answered “Can” then you are more in a fixed mindset. Simply said, you are more curious and push yourself a little bit more in a growth mindset.
With a fixed mindset you believe that your qualities are carved in stone, that they cannot be changed. You live with an urge to prove yourself over and over. One thing society has wrong is that an IQ score determines who we are, a fixed mindset thinking. The book talked about an example where kids with higher IQ’s are trusted more and given tasks that require more responsibility. They got special tasks like carrying the flag or deliver a message to the principal’s office. Kids or adults, family members, friends, that are around you were raised to believe that a test score or IQ result is the ultimate. If you get an A, you are good, if you got a C, you were bad. Period. You can almost not undo that, or can you?
On the other hand, the growth mindset is what truly lets us bloom and explore our true capabilities, we push ourselves to learn something, incorporate it, fail, make mistakes and keep trying, no matter if the results is rated in any way. We just keep going. Simply put, a “growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.”
Most of us were told and have been believing that intelligence is limited. Wrong! our “true potential is unknown (and unknowable).”
I look back in my life and see a fixed mindset in most areas I recall examples. I was a huge soccer player and really good at it. I pushed myself, spent hours in a given week practicing it outside of regular practice. I played for a under 19 farm team and was even captain….until I let it get to me. My fixed mindset kicked in with rock fuel. I decided to quit that team and return to my home team because I missed my friends. I stopped growing.
It took me a while to accept that that decision was okay too. It is okay to be in a fixed mindset. Maybe you have a great job that is flexible, remote maybe, and you have been doing the same things for forever. But it pays the bills and it lets you do the things you love doing (like attending my men’s group or retreats ;-) ….And maybe it is time to take another look if it is truly a right fit!!
Here is the GOOD NEWS!! With small steps, you can start changing to a more growth mindset focus approach. The other day I went to the rock climbing gym and I struggled on a route. Although I am generally trying, I didn’t want to continue because the route was harder then what I had climbed before. My friend kept pushing me (in a good way, climber style!) Then I simply told myself, “alright Alex, here you go, apply that damn growth mindset and figure out how to get to the top.” And so I did. I finished the climb. Climbing involves a lot of growth because every climb is different and everybody climbs a route differently, because we are all different, but we are all growing! That feeling of accomplishment!!
That brings me to one more critical passage in the book. And specifically that of Marva Collins. Marva Collins was an educator (and super motivator) in Chicago who became fed up with the standard failing school system. She started her own school called ‘Westside Preparatory School’ (elementary level) on the 2nd floor of her home. She took on kids that were literally mislabeled as ‘learning disabled’. Within only a few months those students excelled. And when interviewed in a ‘60min episode’, kids recited Shakespeare as their favorite books and famous poets. The kids would later be interviewed as they went about their careers and college paths. Marva even declined to accept the post of U.S. Secretary of Education because she had work to do at her school! All of Marva’s students were minorities that were underrepresented growing up in the most challenging environments in the Chicago suburbs.
In that 60 minute clip, Marva Collins was shown teaching teachers all over the country her teaching method. She explains that she would have kids arrive at school that had memorised entire rap songs that she herself couldn’t even understand. She then would tell them, “okay you can recite that entire song, you can recite anything in this class, in the school system.” Every single day for 3-4 years she would tell the kids how brilliant they were and have them raise their chin and chest to show confidence. Her touch created geniuses that were initially stamped ‘garbage’ by society! ( oh yeah, that still happens today. Probably in the very school your kids, nieces and nephews, and friends’ kids are enrolled in.)
Okay if you are starring and beating yourself up for having lived a life in the fixed mindset, read on, because we don’t have to continue living in a fixed mindset. We can learn to become ‘growers of our own mind’ with very easy steps.
Let’s try this together…Picture yourself when you were in growth mindset last. We all are born to start life in a growth mindset. Think back to when you struggled with a difficult task and you stopped because you didn’t get results immediately. Those tasks were maybe a puzzle, playing a sport, learning anything new, things you tell yourself “Oh, I cannot do that.”. Good news again, you can do it! NOW change those thoughts to a GROWTH MINDSET. Sit a bit longer with that challenging task and let your brain do the magic of forming new connections.
Another trap is that of wanting to live in a perfect world. We can decide on a partner who thinks we are ‘faultless’ and live in a cozy life without growth. That goes with friends, family members, and co-workers. Think of people around you that never challenge you. Maybe it is time to add friends that provide you with constructive criticism.
Call for ACTION:
Seek out one person in the next 2-3 weeks who can give you constructive criticism (ask them for it), and then thank them, accept it, and process that feedback and maybe even apply what you learned. (maybe that friend wants the same from you.)
Take 10-15 minutes and think of something where you are continuously in fixed mindset, maybe during your entire life. Now imagine yourself in that situation but with a growth mindset. Journal on it for 5 minutes.
Is there a situation that measured you in any way? A test score? An annual review at work? A dishonest or callous action? Being rejected? Fired? Focus on that thing. Feel the emotions that came with it. And now put it into a growth mindset perspective. Look at it with honesty but remind yourself that it doesn’t define you, nor you intelligence or personality. Ask instead, What did I learn from that experience? How can I use it as a basis for growth?
EVENTS:
Join Abby and I for a weekend getaway of discovering your partnership during our Couple’s Retreat Equinox weekend September 22-24- Learn more here!
Men’s Group: Next event is June 4th in Vancouver, WA and June 18th in SE PDX - Reserve your spot here!
Thank You very much for reading this and being part of my journey. I would love to hear how your 'Call for ACTION' went (Simply reply to this email). And of course, any feedback is appreciated too. Constructive Criticism or “hey, job well done.”
Until next time!
Peace & Love
Alex