As I was snowed in during Portland’s record snowfall last week (read more here) I participated in an online ‘critical negotiation skills training’.
The training participants were mainly sales and account management positions. It was fascinating to observe how the entire psychology of selling can be applied in everyday life (surprise, surprise?? Not really.).
The training included topics such as listening skills, negotiating tactics, preparing/data collection methods, value exercises, AND empathy awareness practices. There were other topics but Empathy is what caught my eye.
I had to chuckle during the training because one guy in particular felt very offended by the idea of being empathetic with a grumpy customer (and I'm showing a judgment!). For that person to hear out a customer or to see them seemed a foreign topic.
For me, the light bulb turned on immediately when I saw 'empathy'. All I could say is, “just behave the same way as when you talk to your partner (or how your partner wants you to behave!).” I don’t think he really understood what I tried to convey. (and another judgment from my side!)
For the past four years I have been learning a lot about empathy. Coming from a different country and language, for many years I didn’t even know the existence of the word ‘empathy’, let alone what it actually meant.
Like most men, I was always (and still am) focused on finding a solution quickly when somebody is coming to me with an “issue”. When a partner is having a rough day, or something doesn’t work, my mind immediately turns to ‘go go Gadget [best solution]’-BRAIN. (I would love to work with you - click here)
I have come a long way to not only strengthening my listening skills but also improving my pausing skills. Pausing, to say nothing for a minute when someone approaches me with their entire download of their day. Or when shit-feelings come up by a friend in the moment, or whatever else, and to just silently hear them puy is tough!! But then not being able to give a solution is even tougher!! Pausing to “answer” with a solution and simply let the silence speak is a whole new world.
That training reminded me of how many bloody hours I spent NOT giving advice, NOT giving a solution and instead SEEING them for who/where they are. And instead to ask follow up questions, “how does that make you feel?”, “How can I be of support for you right now?”, (especially a good one), “I see you.”, etc..
In those years questions like the above and many others made it into my top questions vocabulary.
Have I figured it all out? Of course not! And I still have doubts to even send this email to you!
Every single day is a challenge and I mess up. I am still learning and have to remind myself (like writing this piece), that the solutions-brain is not always needed even though it always wants to kick in. Although I find that my solutions-brain is a lot more reserved lately than when it was blossoming to its fullest! (maybe due to parts work??!!)
Don’t get me wrong. A quick solution-brain is very important. We can/have to/must find solutions in emergencies or are super strong in our professions that require quick ideas.
In everyday life, however, the empathy brain is more neglected than it is used, in my opinion. Being empathetic is letting your partner know that they are seen, heard/listened to, and understood.
For myself, I don’t have to agree with them, but I can support them by fulfilling their need in that very moment.
Let’s try this together…in the next 2-3 days note all the situations when your brain instantly (intuitively almost) jumps to solutions. Then, evaluate if that situation really required your amazing solution ability and if you could have been more empathetic instead. Celebrate your findings!
Call for ACTION (I invite you to try out below sentences when your partner, family member, friend, boss/co-worker approaches you next time and see how you and they feel/react):
How does that make you feel?
How can I be of support for you right now/today? (maybe just a hug is all that is needed….even for a co-worker!)
Tell me more.
I see you.
Thank You very much for reading this and being part of my journey. I would love to hear how your 'Call for ACTION' went. And of course, any feedback is appreciated too.
Until next time!
Peace & Love
Alex